Time seems to be passing so quickly yet so slow at the same time. I go back and forth between being very optimistic, excited, and enjoying this pregnancy; to terrified, feeling a sense of doom, and just ready for this to all be over with. I'm just ready to be at the end, and know that everything's okay.
We had a bit of a scare this week. I'm surprised it hasn't happened before now, and I wouldn't be surprised if it happens again.
I woke up Wednesday morning with plans to have a relaxing day and I even had an hour long facial booked at a spa for that afternoon. My friend and I had been repainting my bedroom Monday and Tuesday (overly ambitious nesting at it's best) and I'd planned on taking it easy that day. Normally when I first wake up, Elise also starts rolling around in there within a few minutes of me being awake and gets progressively busier after I eat breakfast. Well, this morning I didn't feel her moving when I woke up. She also didn't move much after I ate. So I sat down and did my kick counts like I've been doing since we found out about her Nuchal Cord. Normally, even during her lazy times, I'll get 10 big movements within 30 or 40 minutes at the most. But this time, it took well over an hour to get only 6 unconvincing movements. I panicked. I quickly went to use my heart doppler. I quickly found her heart beat, but the reading was only 120 bpm and she's normally in the upper 150's. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't normally rely on my doppler's reading; but this time I believed it and it made me panic even more. I should also mention that I had also woken up with a headache. So, after the doppler reading I decided to take my blood pressure. It was 157/95 (normal blood pressure is around 120/80). I panicked even more. I just knew I had Pre Eclampsia again and something bad was about to happen.
When we lost Caroline, the only thing close to an answer that we received was my my diagnosis of Pre Eclampsia and even that wasn't a definite reason.
I called my OB's office right away and they had me come in for monitoring. My blood pressure had lowered a little when I got there, and Elise was monitored on a Non Stress Test for an hour. She did great and was moving more at that point. Nonetheless, my OB wasn't taking any chances and wanted me admitted to the hospital immediately for at least 24 hours to monitor Elise and to check for Pre Eclampsia.
We stayed all day, all night, and all of the following day. I had blood work done and a 24 hour urine collection to check for protein, which is a telling sign of Pre Eclampsia. While there, we also had an ultrasound done and Elise looked perfect. She weighs almost 5lbs 12oz at this point and has a ton of hair floating around in there! She did perfect on her biophysical profile too. But the best news of the day: no more Nuchal Cord! Thank God!
My lab work came back normal and once it was confirmed that I wasn't spilling protein, we were told we could go home or stay longer if it made us feel better to be there. I knew that I'd be able to rest more at home, so we left. But with orders that I was to be on bed rest until I can be seen in the office on Monday. So here I sit, and sit, and sit. But that's alright with me. My sweet husband has been amazing, and is taking such good care of me.
I think this latest scare has made my OB feel even more of a sense of urgency to get this baby delivered before anything else can happen. She's asked Allen and I to discuss over the weekend whether we'd be comfortable doing a lung maturity amniocentesis at 37 weeks. If the results come back "mature", then I'll be induced the next day. The more I research and talk it over with him, the more that we think this might be the best option for us. So we'll have lots of questions for her on Monday.
It's crazy to think that after all we've been through and all we've endured; we could have this sweet baby in our arms in just 2 weeks. It's mind blowing to me, I never thought I'd make it this far. I still have so far to go.
Now we just have to get through the next 2 weeks without any more scares. Easier said than done.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
Getting Closer
2013 is finally here and it's so exciting to think that we'll be welcoming a new life into the world this year. I was so glad to be putting the last year behind us. Just as I suspected, once the holidays came and went, things have really started to fly by.
Allen and I both came down with the flu over Christmas. Yes, we both got the flu shot this year. Go figure. It was no fun at all and really put a damper on our Christmas plans. I was given a prescription for Tamiflu and I was very skeptical about taking it while pregnant. But since I had a fever that just wouldn't break, I knew I had to do something. That stuff worked fast. By the next day my fever was gone and within two days I felt like a new woman. Although it's been a month since I got sick, I'm just now starting to completely shake the annoying cough that I developed. Thank goodness. But as we speak, Allen has started feeling like he's getting sick again. Let's hope I don't come down with whatever it is he's getting. But usually when one of us is sick, the other is soon to follow. We shall see...
I've been working in the nursery lately and I think I've handled everything amazingly well. It didn't need much work done to it, basically just light cleaning and straightening up. Up until now it's been a time capsule of that terrible day we lost Caroline and everything baby related had just been randomly tossed in there and that's where it's stayed. The hardest part was finding the baby bag and seeing the clothes still in it for Caroline to wear while at the hospital. That took me aback more than anything. I'd forgotten how much stuff we already had. It definitely makes me feel more ready and prepared. I decided that all the clothes, sheets, and blankets should be rewashed again to freshen them up for Elise. Most importantly, the room itself has to be made into Elise's room and not Caroline's. At first I thought I wanted to completely change it and paint it, which would've been heartbreaking. But my friend Kelly had a good point when she said that it's such a perfect and beautiful room, that Caroline would've wanted her little sister to enjoy it the way it is. I really do believe that. I still want to do a few different things as far as decorating goes. Other than that, the nursery is ready for her!
We had our 32 week growth scan this week. I can't believe I'm already 32 weeks! My Mom and Dad came to this ultrasound and it was my Dad's first time ever experiencing an ultrasound. Elise was so cooperative this time! She has obvious amount of fuzzy hair. As the technician measured her head size, you could see a halo of hair. So funny! She's estimated to weigh 4lbs 11oz at this point and has a fat little belly. Everything looks pretty good so far. She's still head down, so that a good thing. Apparently I am on the high side of the normal amount of amniotic fluid. But that's better than being on the low side. That's the good news.
The bad news is that her umbilical cord is wrapped around her neck. I'm trying not to worry, but it really bothers me. Allen was beside himself after finding out about it, I know he feels so helpless. I suppose that it's because we now know there is an actual reason why we could potentially lose her. Luckily, I'm getting the Non Stress Tests twice a week and those are able to pick up on any heart deceleration's she may have due to the nuchal cord. I also have to be very diligent and aware of her movements and doing kick counts. The Dr said that if the tests pick up on her being in distress, they'll go ahead and take her out. I feel like this cord issue could be a game changer as far as delivery and whether I may end up with a c section and when. Hopefully, because I have a high amount of fluid, she'll be able to escape from the cord. I know it happens to so many babies and everything turns out fine, so I keep trying to tell myself that. But we aren't a normal situation with normal luck when it comes to these things. There's nothing we can do about it at this time though except continue with the testing we're doing and praying hard about it all. This news makes me a lot more appreciative of everyday now that she's moving and growing in me. I'm trying my best to stay positive.
I think she is an absolutely beautiful baby. I can't wait to kiss those chubby cheeks. Her little turned up button nose and those lips make me melt! I'm so ready to snuggle with her! I think it looks like her eyes are open in the one picture. You can also see the nuchal cord in the one of her face. The other picture shows how cooped up she is in there. Her face is in the top corner and her hands and feet are all up by her head. Here she is!:
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Allen and I both came down with the flu over Christmas. Yes, we both got the flu shot this year. Go figure. It was no fun at all and really put a damper on our Christmas plans. I was given a prescription for Tamiflu and I was very skeptical about taking it while pregnant. But since I had a fever that just wouldn't break, I knew I had to do something. That stuff worked fast. By the next day my fever was gone and within two days I felt like a new woman. Although it's been a month since I got sick, I'm just now starting to completely shake the annoying cough that I developed. Thank goodness. But as we speak, Allen has started feeling like he's getting sick again. Let's hope I don't come down with whatever it is he's getting. But usually when one of us is sick, the other is soon to follow. We shall see...
I've been working in the nursery lately and I think I've handled everything amazingly well. It didn't need much work done to it, basically just light cleaning and straightening up. Up until now it's been a time capsule of that terrible day we lost Caroline and everything baby related had just been randomly tossed in there and that's where it's stayed. The hardest part was finding the baby bag and seeing the clothes still in it for Caroline to wear while at the hospital. That took me aback more than anything. I'd forgotten how much stuff we already had. It definitely makes me feel more ready and prepared. I decided that all the clothes, sheets, and blankets should be rewashed again to freshen them up for Elise. Most importantly, the room itself has to be made into Elise's room and not Caroline's. At first I thought I wanted to completely change it and paint it, which would've been heartbreaking. But my friend Kelly had a good point when she said that it's such a perfect and beautiful room, that Caroline would've wanted her little sister to enjoy it the way it is. I really do believe that. I still want to do a few different things as far as decorating goes. Other than that, the nursery is ready for her!
We had our 32 week growth scan this week. I can't believe I'm already 32 weeks! My Mom and Dad came to this ultrasound and it was my Dad's first time ever experiencing an ultrasound. Elise was so cooperative this time! She has obvious amount of fuzzy hair. As the technician measured her head size, you could see a halo of hair. So funny! She's estimated to weigh 4lbs 11oz at this point and has a fat little belly. Everything looks pretty good so far. She's still head down, so that a good thing. Apparently I am on the high side of the normal amount of amniotic fluid. But that's better than being on the low side. That's the good news.
The bad news is that her umbilical cord is wrapped around her neck. I'm trying not to worry, but it really bothers me. Allen was beside himself after finding out about it, I know he feels so helpless. I suppose that it's because we now know there is an actual reason why we could potentially lose her. Luckily, I'm getting the Non Stress Tests twice a week and those are able to pick up on any heart deceleration's she may have due to the nuchal cord. I also have to be very diligent and aware of her movements and doing kick counts. The Dr said that if the tests pick up on her being in distress, they'll go ahead and take her out. I feel like this cord issue could be a game changer as far as delivery and whether I may end up with a c section and when. Hopefully, because I have a high amount of fluid, she'll be able to escape from the cord. I know it happens to so many babies and everything turns out fine, so I keep trying to tell myself that. But we aren't a normal situation with normal luck when it comes to these things. There's nothing we can do about it at this time though except continue with the testing we're doing and praying hard about it all. This news makes me a lot more appreciative of everyday now that she's moving and growing in me. I'm trying my best to stay positive.
I think she is an absolutely beautiful baby. I can't wait to kiss those chubby cheeks. Her little turned up button nose and those lips make me melt! I'm so ready to snuggle with her! I think it looks like her eyes are open in the one picture. You can also see the nuchal cord in the one of her face. The other picture shows how cooped up she is in there. Her face is in the top corner and her hands and feet are all up by her head. Here she is!:
Saturday, December 22, 2012
The Third Trimester
It's so surreal to think that I've made it to my third trimester now. That means I only have about 10 more weeks to go until we bring this baby into the world. It also means that my high risk testing has started. While I'm so grateful to be getting it, I'm not sure yet if it's going to put my mind at ease or cause me to constantly worry. Lots and lots on my mind these days.
This past week I went for another growth scan, which I'm doing every 4 weeks, and began doing the twice weekly non stress tests. My sister, Sarah and best friend, Kelly were in tow for this ultrasound. I thought they might enjoy seeing little Elise. Plus, in the back of my mind, I want those closest to me to get to see her now just in case something awful happens again. I know, I shouldn't think that. But it's impossible not to. Apparently this baby takes after me and likes to bury her face into something when she sleeps. For her, that thing would be my uterus. She showed us her face for a split second, just enough time to get a quick picture and then she turned and fell asleep all nestled up in there. We also saw her sticking her fingers in and out of her mouth. So cute! She's measuring 4 days ahead of schedule, weighs 2 lbs 12 oz, and is in the 57th percentile. I couldn't ask for anything better. The ultrasound tech could see that she already has a lot of fuzzy hair. I think that's so awesome, especially since babies at her age are just now starting to grow hair. Everyone seems to agree that she so far seems to look like me. I can't wait to find out! The non stress tests also went really well. The nurses said that she was responding great for her gestational age. It's nice to spend that time just laying there and concentrating on her movements and heartbeat. There is honestly no test or anything in this world right now that's more reassuring than feeling her move inside of me. So, so far everything seems spot on. As long as everything stays that way, it definitely makes us feel better.
We met with my regular OB this week too (the one that delivered Caroline). I just absolutely love that woman. She's been out on maternity leave, so I haven't seen her since August. We weren't originally scheduled to meet with her that day, so when she walked in I almost cried! She totally gets me and what I'm going through and what I have been through. It's not that I receive bad care when she's not there, I just feel as though she is invested in our situation and "gets it". She's not only concerned about my prenatal health, but my mental too. She asks how I'm sleeping. The answer was not good. I told her that I just can't turn my mind off when the lights go out. I worry about everything. I think about all the things that need to still be done and how this labor and delivery might go. I want to have blissfully naive dreams and thoughts about it; but inevitably, my mind wanders to some part of that day that I gave birth to Caroline. Every. Single. Night. Then of course once I calm myself back down I have to get up to pee and at that point I have become so hungry that I can't fall asleep until I eat something. Then the cycle repeats itself.
The good news is that the earliest week that the hospital will let me be induced (apparently they've become more conservative in the last year) is also the same week that she will be on call. I am absolutely thrilled that she will more than likely be the one to deliver this baby. That takes a tremendous load of worry off of my shoulders. Did I mention I love that woman? She is such a blessing in my life. So It's looking like baby Elise will make her grand entrance the weekend of March 3rd. It seems so real now.
In other news, and more worry for the day, I found a lump in my breast a few weeks ago. I found it almost by accident on one of those long nights. I was sent to have an ultrasound on it and was told that it was more than likely a fibroadenoma tumor caused by all of my hormones changing. This news has really had me in a funk. My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. Luckily, it was detected early and after a lumpectomy and radiation treatment she is now doing fine. But given my family history, hearing the word "tumor in your breast" while pregnant is almost enough to send anyone, me especially, over the edge. As if there isn't enough to worry about on a daily basis. So, on Wednesday I went to have a biopsy done on it to make sure it wasn't cancer. The thought of potentially having breast cancer right now, given my luck, is just so unbelievable that I feel it's almost laughable. What else is there to do? I pray about it, I honestly do. They told me I wouldn't know my results until the day after Christmas. "Merry Christmas, you have cancer" is what I imagined they would be saying to me at that appointment. But, thank God they called on Friday to say that my results came back sooner than expected and it was benign. Everything looked normal and they didn't want me to worry about it over Christmas. What a relief. My prayers were answered.
Christmas is just a few days away at this point and after everything that's happened in the last few weeks, I feel like my worries, while immense, are being lifted or at least shouldered by those who know me best: my Creator, my awesome OB and team of nurses, family and friends, and of course my wonderful Husband. I'd say that overall my third trimester is off to a good start. While I'm scared of all that could go wrong in the next 10 weeks, I'm trying to stay positive and look forward to all the good that is coming our way. I'm glad it's Christmastime and I'm able to find and experience the peace that comes with this time of year. The meaning of this season is truly what gives me the strength to go on each day; and maybe, just maybe have a few "silent nights".
Here is our Elise Arabella this week, at 28 weeks. I'm in love!:
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Merry Christmas everyone!
This past week I went for another growth scan, which I'm doing every 4 weeks, and began doing the twice weekly non stress tests. My sister, Sarah and best friend, Kelly were in tow for this ultrasound. I thought they might enjoy seeing little Elise. Plus, in the back of my mind, I want those closest to me to get to see her now just in case something awful happens again. I know, I shouldn't think that. But it's impossible not to. Apparently this baby takes after me and likes to bury her face into something when she sleeps. For her, that thing would be my uterus. She showed us her face for a split second, just enough time to get a quick picture and then she turned and fell asleep all nestled up in there. We also saw her sticking her fingers in and out of her mouth. So cute! She's measuring 4 days ahead of schedule, weighs 2 lbs 12 oz, and is in the 57th percentile. I couldn't ask for anything better. The ultrasound tech could see that she already has a lot of fuzzy hair. I think that's so awesome, especially since babies at her age are just now starting to grow hair. Everyone seems to agree that she so far seems to look like me. I can't wait to find out! The non stress tests also went really well. The nurses said that she was responding great for her gestational age. It's nice to spend that time just laying there and concentrating on her movements and heartbeat. There is honestly no test or anything in this world right now that's more reassuring than feeling her move inside of me. So, so far everything seems spot on. As long as everything stays that way, it definitely makes us feel better.
We met with my regular OB this week too (the one that delivered Caroline). I just absolutely love that woman. She's been out on maternity leave, so I haven't seen her since August. We weren't originally scheduled to meet with her that day, so when she walked in I almost cried! She totally gets me and what I'm going through and what I have been through. It's not that I receive bad care when she's not there, I just feel as though she is invested in our situation and "gets it". She's not only concerned about my prenatal health, but my mental too. She asks how I'm sleeping. The answer was not good. I told her that I just can't turn my mind off when the lights go out. I worry about everything. I think about all the things that need to still be done and how this labor and delivery might go. I want to have blissfully naive dreams and thoughts about it; but inevitably, my mind wanders to some part of that day that I gave birth to Caroline. Every. Single. Night. Then of course once I calm myself back down I have to get up to pee and at that point I have become so hungry that I can't fall asleep until I eat something. Then the cycle repeats itself.
The good news is that the earliest week that the hospital will let me be induced (apparently they've become more conservative in the last year) is also the same week that she will be on call. I am absolutely thrilled that she will more than likely be the one to deliver this baby. That takes a tremendous load of worry off of my shoulders. Did I mention I love that woman? She is such a blessing in my life. So It's looking like baby Elise will make her grand entrance the weekend of March 3rd. It seems so real now.
In other news, and more worry for the day, I found a lump in my breast a few weeks ago. I found it almost by accident on one of those long nights. I was sent to have an ultrasound on it and was told that it was more than likely a fibroadenoma tumor caused by all of my hormones changing. This news has really had me in a funk. My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. Luckily, it was detected early and after a lumpectomy and radiation treatment she is now doing fine. But given my family history, hearing the word "tumor in your breast" while pregnant is almost enough to send anyone, me especially, over the edge. As if there isn't enough to worry about on a daily basis. So, on Wednesday I went to have a biopsy done on it to make sure it wasn't cancer. The thought of potentially having breast cancer right now, given my luck, is just so unbelievable that I feel it's almost laughable. What else is there to do? I pray about it, I honestly do. They told me I wouldn't know my results until the day after Christmas. "Merry Christmas, you have cancer" is what I imagined they would be saying to me at that appointment. But, thank God they called on Friday to say that my results came back sooner than expected and it was benign. Everything looked normal and they didn't want me to worry about it over Christmas. What a relief. My prayers were answered.
Christmas is just a few days away at this point and after everything that's happened in the last few weeks, I feel like my worries, while immense, are being lifted or at least shouldered by those who know me best: my Creator, my awesome OB and team of nurses, family and friends, and of course my wonderful Husband. I'd say that overall my third trimester is off to a good start. While I'm scared of all that could go wrong in the next 10 weeks, I'm trying to stay positive and look forward to all the good that is coming our way. I'm glad it's Christmastime and I'm able to find and experience the peace that comes with this time of year. The meaning of this season is truly what gives me the strength to go on each day; and maybe, just maybe have a few "silent nights".
Here is our Elise Arabella this week, at 28 weeks. I'm in love!:
Merry Christmas everyone!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Many updates!
We made it through October. Thank goodness. It was a long month, but we made it through Caroline's birthday and we're doing fine. Lot's has happened since my last update!
Caroline's birthday was a very somber day for us. Allen and I took it easy around the house and just reflected on the last year. We visited her grave and told her how much we loved and missed her. My family put a birthday balloon on one of her flower arrangements. I know she would've loved it and I know she was with us. I think the day was especially hard on Allen, but for me it was just as I expected it to be. I suppose I built it up in my mind in the days and months before so much, that it wasn't too bad of a day for me. I know she was watching over us and everyone that remembered her on what would've been her first birthday.
We found out on October 15th that we're having another baby girl! We are over the moon! Most importantly, she looked perfect at our 19 week anatomy ultrasound. She's measuring right on time, exactly to the day. It's such a relief knowing that everything is progressing as it should. She is really moving and kicking in there now too. I absolutely love it. We told our family at dinner the night we found out and did an online video conference with everyone else that couldn't be there for the big gender reveal. We bought green and yellow boxes and handed them out. Then when everyone opened their box, there were pink ribbons, suckers, and rattles in there. It was so special and I'm feeling so positive about the future. We got so many pictures of her and we think she's just so beautiful. I'm amazed at how much she already looks like Caroline just from the ultrasound pictures. I can't wait to meet our baby girl. We've also FINALLY decided what her name will be. We're going to name her Elise Arabella! Elise means "God's promise" and Arabella means "prayerful". We think it is a perfect name for our baby girl!
Here she is at 19 weeks!:
Caroline's birthday was a very somber day for us. Allen and I took it easy around the house and just reflected on the last year. We visited her grave and told her how much we loved and missed her. My family put a birthday balloon on one of her flower arrangements. I know she would've loved it and I know she was with us. I think the day was especially hard on Allen, but for me it was just as I expected it to be. I suppose I built it up in my mind in the days and months before so much, that it wasn't too bad of a day for me. I know she was watching over us and everyone that remembered her on what would've been her first birthday.
We found out on October 15th that we're having another baby girl! We are over the moon! Most importantly, she looked perfect at our 19 week anatomy ultrasound. She's measuring right on time, exactly to the day. It's such a relief knowing that everything is progressing as it should. She is really moving and kicking in there now too. I absolutely love it. We told our family at dinner the night we found out and did an online video conference with everyone else that couldn't be there for the big gender reveal. We bought green and yellow boxes and handed them out. Then when everyone opened their box, there were pink ribbons, suckers, and rattles in there. It was so special and I'm feeling so positive about the future. We got so many pictures of her and we think she's just so beautiful. I'm amazed at how much she already looks like Caroline just from the ultrasound pictures. I can't wait to meet our baby girl. We've also FINALLY decided what her name will be. We're going to name her Elise Arabella! Elise means "God's promise" and Arabella means "prayerful". We think it is a perfect name for our baby girl!
Here she is at 19 weeks!:
Sunday, October 7, 2012
October...
It's been awhile since I've posted any updates here, so I figured I better get to it before I forget all the little details that I'll want to look back on.
I'm now 18 weeks and am now feeling the baby move. It's the most wonderful feeling imaginable, especially since it's all I've wanted to feel since I had Caroline. It started around 14/15 weeks; feeling like slight vibrations in my lower belly. I wasn't 100% sure that's what it was, but it was a nice thought. But towards the end of 15 weeks those vibrations were accompanied by a twitching sensation, much like a muscle or nerve twitch. At the end of 16 weeks those twitches began feeling like thumps. Now I'm certain those thumps are the baby! It isn't very consistent or in a pattern yet; but when I'm sitting still I can always count on this little one to let me know that everything's okay. It's kinda scary, because now I want to feel the baby more and I freak out just a little when I don't. Another scary thing that's happening? The dreaded Braxton Hicks contractions are back. I know they're normal and unavoidable. The problem is that I know what it feels like for them to become full blown labor contractions. For most people, I would imagine this wouldn't be an issue. But for me, it means the worst can happen. So in my twisted mind: Braxton Hicks = labor= losing my baby. But how can one blame me for feeling this way?
Along with the roller coaster of emotions happening because of the changes in my body, I'm now faced with the fact that October has come around again. I've dreaded this month since last October. I wasn't sure how I'd feel or react with Caroline's birthday looming. Honestly, it's been hard and getting harder as each day passes. I'm gearing up for a hectic few weeks coming up. October just so happens to be pregnancy and infant loss awareness month (oh the irony!). Our support group, Heartstrings, is having a Walk To Remember event on Oct. 13th; Forsyth Medical Center is having their Walk To Remember the next day on the 14th; we have our anatomy scan to hopefully find out the gender of this little one on the 15th (yay!); and then Caroline's birthday is the 20th. Whew! Allen and I will be busy physically and emotionally. I'm just glad we have each other to lean on during all of this. No one quite understands this roller coaster we're faced with like we do for each other. I hope that with most of our milestones after losing her, I'll have built it up in my mind so much so that it actually turns out to be not so bad.
In church today we had communion. I received my wafer and waited for everyone to receive theirs. But then Allen whispered in my ear, "You got two of them". I looked down, and sure enough, I'd been given two wafers. It was all that both of us could do to not break down in tears right then and there. I ate the wafers, sat back down, and felt the baby bouncing around. What a blessing and such a meaningful experience for us!
We're so lucky to have this little life given to us. It helps so much to soften the blow of the first anniversary of Caroline's birth and death. We know that October will go by quickly and we can begin to look forward to the holiday's, and then the birth of this little one will be here before we know it. We're thrilled that soon we'll hopefully have the family that we've waited so long for. Until then, I'm going to enjoy every little thump that this baby gives me everyday, because everyday isn't promised. Everyday is a gift of new life, and I cherish this new life that I've been given.
I'm now 18 weeks and am now feeling the baby move. It's the most wonderful feeling imaginable, especially since it's all I've wanted to feel since I had Caroline. It started around 14/15 weeks; feeling like slight vibrations in my lower belly. I wasn't 100% sure that's what it was, but it was a nice thought. But towards the end of 15 weeks those vibrations were accompanied by a twitching sensation, much like a muscle or nerve twitch. At the end of 16 weeks those twitches began feeling like thumps. Now I'm certain those thumps are the baby! It isn't very consistent or in a pattern yet; but when I'm sitting still I can always count on this little one to let me know that everything's okay. It's kinda scary, because now I want to feel the baby more and I freak out just a little when I don't. Another scary thing that's happening? The dreaded Braxton Hicks contractions are back. I know they're normal and unavoidable. The problem is that I know what it feels like for them to become full blown labor contractions. For most people, I would imagine this wouldn't be an issue. But for me, it means the worst can happen. So in my twisted mind: Braxton Hicks = labor= losing my baby. But how can one blame me for feeling this way?
Along with the roller coaster of emotions happening because of the changes in my body, I'm now faced with the fact that October has come around again. I've dreaded this month since last October. I wasn't sure how I'd feel or react with Caroline's birthday looming. Honestly, it's been hard and getting harder as each day passes. I'm gearing up for a hectic few weeks coming up. October just so happens to be pregnancy and infant loss awareness month (oh the irony!). Our support group, Heartstrings, is having a Walk To Remember event on Oct. 13th; Forsyth Medical Center is having their Walk To Remember the next day on the 14th; we have our anatomy scan to hopefully find out the gender of this little one on the 15th (yay!); and then Caroline's birthday is the 20th. Whew! Allen and I will be busy physically and emotionally. I'm just glad we have each other to lean on during all of this. No one quite understands this roller coaster we're faced with like we do for each other. I hope that with most of our milestones after losing her, I'll have built it up in my mind so much so that it actually turns out to be not so bad.
In church today we had communion. I received my wafer and waited for everyone to receive theirs. But then Allen whispered in my ear, "You got two of them". I looked down, and sure enough, I'd been given two wafers. It was all that both of us could do to not break down in tears right then and there. I ate the wafers, sat back down, and felt the baby bouncing around. What a blessing and such a meaningful experience for us!
We're so lucky to have this little life given to us. It helps so much to soften the blow of the first anniversary of Caroline's birth and death. We know that October will go by quickly and we can begin to look forward to the holiday's, and then the birth of this little one will be here before we know it. We're thrilled that soon we'll hopefully have the family that we've waited so long for. Until then, I'm going to enjoy every little thump that this baby gives me everyday, because everyday isn't promised. Everyday is a gift of new life, and I cherish this new life that I've been given.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
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Today we had our 12 week Nuchal Translucency (NT) scan. This test checks for the probability of various birth defects, like Down Syndrome and Trisomy 13. We didn't do this test with Caroline, but this time we wanted to take advantage of every test available. Plus, it was a chance to get to see our little one again! My what a difference 6 weeks makes! My Mom came with us, and was amazed at how clear you could see everything. Baby was moving all over the place, rolling around, waving to us, and doing a little fist pumpin'. It was hard for our ultrasound tech to get the measurements she needed, but eventually she got them. The heart was beating at 157 bpm and baby is measuring 4 days ahead of schedule. I felt that since everything looked good today and I'm about to enter my 2nd trimester, I thought it was time to make it Facebook official. So the secret is out, no going back now! Today was a great day and this is starting to feel so real now. We're definitely feeling so blessed to be expecting again. I told Allen I was "walking on cloud 9" today. He reminded me that you can either be "walking on sunshine" or "on cloud 9". Hmmm, I think I can do both! ;)