18 Months

I never would've thought that 18 months could go by so quickly, and be so filled with so much love and happiness.

Elise is growing into such a special little girl. She is so smart and picks up on things very easily. There's not a word out there that she doesn't try to say. People are always so amazed at how much she talks for her age. She's so polite too! She says please, thank you, your welcome, excuse me, and I sorry. Of course, they sound so incredibly cute when she says them. It melts my heart and tells me that I'm doing something right.

She had her 18 month checkup a few days ago. She weighs 24 lbs 7 oz (Allen said she's 24/7, 365! Ain't that the truth?!), she's 32" and still has her grande cabeza in the 97th percentile, haha. Right now, she is cutting her last 3 canine teeth. She's been wearing a raw baltic amber teething necklace for about 6 months and I swear it has helped. They say these teeth are the worst coming in, but they've been small potatoes compared to when she got her molars. Now THAT was awful and it's what made us look into getting the necklace in the first place. I highly recommend them! I will be soooo ready to be done with this teething business for awhile (until the 2 year molars come of course).

Elise still isn't eating dairy and at this point it's become a lifestyle change for us and we don't even miss it around here. In fact, I put cheese on a dish a few weeks ago and I thought it was disgusting. Who would've ever thought?? I do feel sad though that she won't get to enjoy ice cream on a hot summer day. But that's about it. People look at you funny when you tell them no goldfish for her or to hold the cheese. But, ya know, it's just not worth it and I think our entire family will be healthier for it in the long run. Seriously though, this kid could live on sauteed spinach, peas, and all things made from apples. I'm okay with that! The struggle that I grapple with is which milk substitute to give her. They all have so many additives and chemicals that it makes my head spin. It's infuriating actually. Particularly when it comes to carrageenan. I've become a bit of a food purist since having her. But that's a topic for another day and another blog. Foodbabe.com is one of my favorite resources leading the way on this issue if anyone is interested in becoming a neurotic foodie such as myself.

She seems to be a technology guru (like her Daddy), she can work a cell phone, remote, and iPad like nobody's business. She loves Peppa Pig and Dora the Explorer. She loves when you read to her, but only certain things for a certain amount of time; aaaaand then she gets bored, slams the book closed on your finger and says "THE END". She loves to play in her pretend kitchen and loves when you give her tasks to do. She's still mastering the whole coloring book concept. Who knew crayons were so delicious? She likes to be outside, especially playing in a sand box, and could "swing swing" all day. She can count to 10 in groups (6, 7, 8, 9, TEN!! she exclaims!) and likes to sing the ABC song. She likes singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and gets a kick out of Itsy Bitsy Spider and the hand movements that go with it. She likes to go up and down, up and down, up and down stairs and proudly says "Biiiiiiiig Step!".

She had her first day of preschool this week. She's doing two days a week and seems to do okay so far. I feel bad leaving her, but I know it has to happen soon, Better now than later is what I'm told, because the separation anxiety that she goes through is quite mind blowing. I don't know anyone else who has a child her age who gets as distraught as she does. I know, I know it's my fault. I've kept her with me since day one. I actually had a lady in the church nursery, where I attend a mom's group, chide me for not leaving her with more people (BACK OFF lady!) But honestly, after all we've been through, who can blame me? But I don't get into that with well meaning strangers. On her first day, I think I was actually more of a nervous wreck than she was. It felt like someone had cut off my leg for three hours. I was so exhausted by the end of the day. When I came to pick her up, she was sound asleep in her teacher's arms. But I think she had a good day, and I'm excited to see all the things that she learns and to see her blossom from this experience. It's so awesome to see her little mind working.

This child never ceases to amaze me. Sometimes I tell her that I'm going to trade her in for a billy goat; but really, I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. She makes our hearts explode and our lives complete. I can never get enough of her. Until the next update...

A little first day of preschool meltdown as we headed out the door. Oh the drama!!

Here's our little Elise at her 1st Birthday photo shoot. She's already 17 months old now and is such a big girl. Where does the time go?!!

1st Birthdays and Beyond

Shame, shame on me for not keeping this updated! Yesterday was Mother's Day, so I have a grateful heart today (and everyday). I figured no better time than the present to update this page. This little girl sure does keep me busy. I always thought: "If I could be a stay at home Mom, I'd have time to do this thing or that thing. And my house would always be clean" Not so! For example, I've been determined to organize our upstairs and closets. It's been about a month since I said I'd do it, but yet it still hasn't happened. I don't know where the days go. But we have a good schedule these days and everyone is happy and healthy. So complain I will not! I feel so fortunate to spend my days with Elise and that I get to witness all of her little milestones and nuances.

Speaking of milestones; Elise is now walking!! It took her awhile to get her balance and confidence up. But she finally did it. She took her first few steps on March 13th. After those first steps, it took a few weeks of practice to really get walking good. Now she can't be stopped. She's all over the place! Still a little wobbly, much like a tiny drunk person, but it's the cutest thing ever. She thinks she can run (which she can't yet) and sometimes gets tripped up. She's banged her head and mouth now more times than I can count, but luckily after a few tears and kisses from Mama, she's right back to getting into everything. Of course, every time she falls, my heart sinks into my stomach and I hold my breath until I know she's ok. That's one of the worst things about what we've been through. Every sniffle, fever, bump, and bruise feels like it's the end of the world. We're constantly in fear that something bad will happen to her and that we'll lose her too. We try not to let it get the best of us though.

We especially had a rough time with that over her first birthday. We had an awesome party to celebrate her birthday. After so much planning, we didn't know if we'd get to have the party at all. A few days before the party, we got more snow dumped on us than we'd had in years. Luckily though, the roads were clear by the party day. I guess that's the iffy thing about birthdays in February. We had a great time celebrating with dozens of friends and family. But by the time her actual birthday came 4 days later, she was sick as could be. She ended up having a double ear infection and a nasty cold virus that hit us all (pink eye for Allen and me included). She was the most pitiful I've ever seen her. She had a fever that was tough to break and she refused to eat or drink. I was worried beyond belief. She cried and moaned for a solid 3 days. It was the hardest time we've had with her thus far. I didn't know what to do for her. I'd started weaning her a few weeks prior, but nursing her was the only thing that seemed to calm and comfort her. So, on her birthday, I nursed her for the last time. She seemed confused at first, but it helped her tremendously. It was bittersweet. If I ever questioned if I'd nurse another baby, this nursing session sealed the deal. Yes, I'd do it all over again. While it's nice to have my body back; there's nothing quite like the bond and comfort that it brings them.

She's turned out to be a good sleeper and eater. She sleeps all through the night, and loves to eat a variety of food. Especially vegetables. I swear I think this baby could live off of zucchini, bananas, and black beans. She's still having issues with dairy and some fruits. Although she still gets 2 formula bottles a day and yogurt, I've cut all other forms of dairy out of her diet. It seems to help. She goes to see an allergist in a few weeks, so I'm hoping we'll get some help and direction.

Elise it turning into such a sweet and smart little girl. She loves giving kisses, being outside, taking baths, playing with (not wearing) shoes. She loves doggies and other children. Although she doesn't really watch TV,  she loves to dance and sing to Bubble Guppies and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse; and she tries to snort like a pig when Peppa Pig is on. She says "thank you" whenever she hands you something or when you give her something. It's the sweetest thing. She tries to repeat everything you say and seems to know how to operate the remote and my iPhone. She's very much like her Daddy, in that she wants to know how things work. She learns new things everyday and I'm constantly amazed by her. Her chuckles and blue eyes make my life complete. I'm so lucky that I was chosen to be her Mother. My heart is so full when I see her smile. My goodness, she's growing too fast!

In memory of her sister, I decided to give back to Heartstrings. They were essential to our healing after Caroline died, and so I wanted to do what I could for other's. I signed up to be a support parent to another Mother who tragically lost her newborn in much the same way as we did. While I can't take the pain away from this newly grieving Mom. I can give her my support when she's feeling low. I talk to her, pray with her, cry with her, and just let her know I'm there. I think it makes such a difference and it's healing for me as well.

When people say that children grow so fast, it's the truth. Elise changes everyday and never ceases to amaze me. I'm so blessed to be her Mom and to be able to spend so much time with her. She makes me want to be a better person everyday. Nothing makes my heart feel so full as it does when she smiles at me and says "Mama". I never get tired of hearing it. I love her more than I could ever express. Hopefully I can do a better job of keeping things documented so that one day she can read just how deep my love for her is.

So Much Growing Going On!

WOW, it really has been forever since I've posted here. This little one keeps me so busy! I love every second of it though. So much has happened, and lots has changed with Miss Elise. She turned 7 months old 2 days ago. She's growing so fast. You always hear people say that, but you don't realize it until you have children of your own. She learns to do something new everyday. Just last night she crawled for the first time! Now, it was more of a face plant and scoot forward type of thing, but I considered it a crawl nonetheless. She'll get there.

So much has happened lately!!

We had her baptized on Father's Day, which was so very special for Allen. Not only that, but it was the second to last Sunday that our dear Pastor Tom would be preaching before retiring to Florida. We will surely miss him. He was such an integral part of the loss of Caroline and the birth of Elise. He's truly a man of God! It was a great day. Elise didn't cry at all when the water was poured on her. She looked so beautiful in her white dress too. Such a proud Mommy moment! All of our friend's and family were there and everyone came to our house after for lunch.

We took our first beach trip to Carolina beach the last week of July. Guess who cut 2 teeth while we were there? That was interesting. Luckily we had lots of family around to distract her, so she wasn't too fussy. It was such a nice trip. As much as I hate waking up early, there was something so peaceful and wonderful about sitting outside on our balcony, with Elise in my lap, watching the sun rise over the ocean. It's moments like that, that make me feel God's love for us and make me feel so blessed. I'll never forget it.

On the food front... She's taking bottles again (sometimes, if the stars line up just right) and we're back to having dairy again! She's doing really good with solids too. Although, I admit that I mostly just give her store bought baby food (for shame!). Her favorite so far is peaches and banana yogurt, which seems so ironic since just a month ago there was absolutely no dairy to be had for her. You can't shovel it in her mouth fast enough! I'm so glad she's done okay with it. Just in time for Mommy to indulge in creamy pumpkin everything for fall and winter. I love this time of year.

Speaking of this time of year. The weather is getting cooler, and you can see the trees here in NC changing ever so slightly if you look for it. But with that bit of chill in the air, I'm reminded of two years ago with Caroline. How I was anticipating so much; only to be devastated so greatly. Seems like everyone on Facebook proclaims "October is my favorite month!". I wish I felt the same. But her second birthday, or angelversary as some call it, is creeping up on us. The day we had her was a perfect, picturesque fall day. After she died, I spent a lot of time just sitting in the rocking chair on my front porch. That beautiful fall weather helped me heal I believe. So, it's still my favorite season, even though it burns around the edges. I can't help but close my eyes and remember it all. I think I always will. I hope this year will be easier. I will hug Elise just a little tighter that day. She has healed me more than she'll ever know.

I've been reaching out to other loss moms lately. I'm now a Heartstring's "support parent" for another local mom who lost her son in labor a few months ago. I'm glad I can bring some comfort to another mom beginning her grief journey. I like to think of it as part of Caroline's legacy. Just this week I told Caroline's story at our county's Walk to Remember for Infant Mortality. I found out that our county (Forsyth) has the highest infant mortality rate in NC. That is shocking and unacceptable. So, I'm joining the Health Department's Coalition on Infant Mortality Reduction to do something about it. I welcome all suggestions and stories to bring to the table. I believe that ALL pregnancies should be considered high risk. If non-stress tests were part of routine prenatal care after 28 weeks, I believe that Caroline would still be here. But I know that's a health insurance issue that won't be easily changed. So that is my mission going forward. I know every situation is different. Especially dealing with medical malpractice, which is kept so hush hush. I know it's going to be an uphill battle and one that I probably won't win, but I've got to try. Lucky for me, my Sister is halfway through law school and can eventually help me along the way. Isn't that right Sarah? ;)

I sometimes wonder; is it possible to love on, kiss, and snuggle one's baby too much? If so, we've got a problem! I just love this little girl so much. I'm so amazed by her everyday. She will never know how much I love her and am so very thankful for her. Everything about her fills my heart with a joy I didn't know was possible. Although I have no idea what I'm doing sometimes, I think it's okay. I do my best. She's such a happy baby, but very opinionated already. You can really see her personality these days. I can't wait to see how she evolves as she grows. I pray that she never has to experience what we have in order to know how much I love her. She's truly my missing puzzle piece and a blessing to everyone who meets her. Sometimes we wonder if she really is as beautiful and as precious as our eyes see her? Is it because of all we went through? I don't know. But I do know that she's "my sunshine, my only sunshine" and being her Mother is truly my life's purpose.

Milestones

Last week was an important week for many reasons. Elise turned 2 months old on the 19th! Where is the time going? It was also our 5 year wedding anniversary that day. The next day, the 20th, Caroline would've been 18 months old. It's hard to believe how quickly time flies. They say time heals everything. But that's just not true. It just puts a bandaid on those wounds. Our little Elise has done more to heal us than time could ever do.

Allen and I went out to a nice dinner alone for our anniversary since Elise was born. My parents came to our house to watch her. It was their first time babysitting her alone. I think they loved it. It's funny how we talked mostly about her the whole time.

She's starting to hold her head up better by herself. All that tummy time laying on my chest is doing her some good! She's also focusing really well and will smile so big at you when you talk to her. I think she's starting to realize she has a voice and will coo at you and interact with you. It's the sweetest thing. There's nothing better than her smiling at you.

She also had her dreaded 2 month shots this week. I think I was more upset about them than she was. I wanted to cry the entire day before we went. But she handled it so well. Of course she screamed bloody murder when they gave them to her, but it didn't last long. She was just as happy and normal as could be afterward. Not at all what I expected. I had infant Tylenol on the ready, but there was no need for it. She's getting so chunky. They said she weighs 11 lbs 5 oz, she's 22 3/4 in. long, and her head is 15 1/4 in. around. Her Dr says she's "the model size for a baby girl her age". I couldn't be prouder!

So far going without dairy is working really well for her. She's doing and feeling much better. It took me some time to figure out what I can eat, but it's easy once you get the hang of it. It's quite maddening to realize how much dairy is in everything that we eat. My first grocery trip took several hours because I had to read all of the labels. Who knew Duncan Hines was dairy free? Um, hello chocolate cake. I've actually found some really yummy substitutes for things. Although I do miss cheeseburgers and my beloved ranch dressing. Oh well, it's almost bikini season so hopefully this will help me shed a few pounds. Here are a few blogs that have been a tremendous help for me in figuring this dairy free lifestyle out:

www.beanmom.com/nomilk.html
nomilkmall.com
www.godairyfree.org


Here's a recent pic. I love this little sleepy face.

She's Finally Here!

Oh wow, I have been seriously slacking when it comes to updating this! You can tell I've been busy with other things. Our little lady, Elise Arabella is finally here! I have been SO busy with her. She was born February 19th at 7:29 pm, weighing 6 lbs 3.5 oz and was 19 in long. She is absolutely perfect in every way. I hope to get around to writing her entire birth story soon.

She is growing and changing everyday. It's unbelievable! Breastfeeding has been going really well so far. We actually took her to the pediatrician's today due to some tummy troubles she's been having and she weighs 9 lbs 12 oz already. We found out that it's looking like she has a milk protein allergy and I'm going to have to give up dairy. Allen says it's ironic that I have to give up milk so that she can get some milk! I'm not looking forward to this big of a dietary change (What, no mac n cheese? No coffee creamer? Oh boy...) but I'm willing to do whatever is best for her and I'm committed to breastfeeding her for at least 6 months, ideally a year. I didn't realize how much bonding and healing would come from breastfeeding. It can be very exhausting and tedious at times, especially when she cluster feeds, but it so worth it.

Life for us has changed so much, but I'm enjoying every minute of it. She's such a miracle and has mended our broken hearts more than we could have imagined. We'd always hear our friends talk about how amazing their children are, but you don't fully realize what it is they're talking about until you have your own. I could just stare at her all day (and I do!). The sleepless nights are not so bad when your staring at her sweet face. She's finally starting to sleep for longer stretches at night. I get so paranoid when she sleeps for too long and usually end up waking her up anyway. I've realized that people who claim their infants "sleep through the night" are either liars or extremely lucky. I'm loving every minute of being her Mommy. I'm so thankful that I don't have to go back to work because I don't think I could handle being away from her for very long!

We're so thankful for our sweet little Elise. I'm glad that my stressful pregnancy is over and she's was delivered safe and sound. Our greatest dream has been fulfilled; we're finally the family that we've always dreamed of being and it's the best feeling ever. I can't begin to express how in love we are with her.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow! We have a new reason for loving and living; and her name is Elise.

I got this from one of my Heartstrings sister's Facebook page. I think it's a beautiful, truthful, and emotional look into some of the things that a parent feels after experiencing a stillbirth.

A Bit of a Scare

Time seems to be passing so quickly yet so slow at the same time. I go back and forth between being very optimistic, excited, and enjoying this pregnancy; to terrified, feeling a sense of doom, and just ready for this to all be over with. I'm just ready to be at the end, and know that everything's okay.

We had a bit of a scare this week. I'm surprised it hasn't happened before now, and I wouldn't be surprised if it happens again.

I woke up Wednesday morning with plans to have a relaxing day and I even had an hour long facial booked at a spa for that afternoon. My friend and I had been repainting my bedroom Monday and Tuesday (overly ambitious nesting at it's best) and I'd planned on taking it easy that day. Normally when I first wake up, Elise also starts rolling around in there within a few minutes of me being awake and gets progressively busier after I eat breakfast. Well, this morning I didn't feel her moving when I woke up. She also didn't move much after I ate. So I sat down and did my kick counts like I've been doing since we found out about her Nuchal Cord. Normally, even during her lazy times, I'll get 10 big movements within 30 or 40 minutes at the most. But this time, it took well over an hour to get only 6 unconvincing movements. I panicked. I quickly went to use my heart doppler. I quickly found her heart beat, but the reading was only 120 bpm and she's normally in the upper 150's. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't normally rely on my doppler's reading; but this time I believed it and it made me panic even more. I should also mention that I had also woken up with a headache. So, after the doppler reading I decided to take my blood pressure. It was 157/95 (normal blood pressure is around 120/80). I panicked even more. I just knew I had Pre Eclampsia again and something bad was about to happen.

When we lost Caroline, the only thing close to an answer that we received was my my diagnosis of Pre Eclampsia and even that wasn't a definite reason.

I called my OB's office right away and they had me come in for monitoring. My blood pressure had lowered a little when I got there, and Elise was monitored on a Non Stress Test for an hour. She did great and was moving more at that point. Nonetheless, my OB wasn't taking any chances and wanted me admitted to the hospital immediately for at least 24 hours to monitor Elise and to check for Pre Eclampsia.

We stayed all day, all night, and all of the following day. I had blood work done and a 24 hour urine collection to check for protein, which is a telling sign of Pre Eclampsia. While there, we also had an ultrasound done and Elise looked perfect. She weighs almost 5lbs 12oz at this point and has a ton of hair floating around in there! She did perfect on her biophysical profile too. But the best news of the day: no more Nuchal Cord! Thank God!

My lab work came back normal and once it was confirmed that I wasn't spilling protein, we were told we could go home or stay longer if it made us feel better to be there. I knew that I'd be able to rest more at home, so we left. But with orders that I was to be on bed rest until I can be seen in the office on Monday. So here I sit, and sit, and sit. But that's alright with me. My sweet husband has been amazing, and is taking such good care of me.

I think this latest scare has made my OB feel even more of a sense of urgency to get this baby delivered before anything else can happen. She's asked Allen and I to discuss over the weekend whether we'd be comfortable doing a lung maturity amniocentesis at 37 weeks. If the results come back "mature", then I'll be induced the next day. The more I research and talk it over with him, the more that we think this might be the best option for us. So we'll have lots of questions for her on Monday.

It's crazy to think that after all we've been through and all we've endured; we could have this sweet baby in our arms in just 2 weeks. It's mind blowing to me, I never thought I'd make it this far. I still have so far to go.

Now we just have to get through the next 2 weeks without any more scares. Easier said than done.

Getting Closer

2013 is finally here and it's so exciting to think that we'll be welcoming a new life into the world this year. I was so glad to be putting the last year behind us. Just as I suspected, once the holidays came and went, things have really started to fly by.

Allen and I both came down with the flu over Christmas. Yes, we both got the flu shot this year. Go figure. It was no fun at all and really put a damper on our Christmas plans. I was given a prescription for Tamiflu and I was very skeptical about taking it while pregnant. But since I had a fever that just wouldn't break, I knew I had to do something. That stuff worked fast. By the next day my fever was gone and within two days I felt like a new woman. Although it's been a month since I got sick, I'm just now starting to completely shake the annoying cough that I developed. Thank goodness. But as we speak, Allen has started feeling like he's getting sick again. Let's hope I don't come down with whatever it is he's getting. But usually when one of us is sick, the other is soon to follow. We shall see...

I've been working in the nursery lately and I think I've handled everything amazingly well. It didn't need much work done to it, basically just light cleaning and straightening up. Up until now it's been a time capsule of that terrible day we lost Caroline and everything baby related had just been randomly tossed in there and that's where it's stayed. The hardest part was finding the baby bag and seeing the clothes still in it for Caroline to wear while at the hospital. That took me aback more than anything. I'd forgotten how much stuff we already had. It definitely makes me feel more ready and prepared. I decided that all the clothes, sheets, and blankets should be rewashed again to freshen them up for Elise. Most importantly, the room itself has to be made into Elise's room and not Caroline's. At first I thought I wanted to completely change it and paint it, which would've been heartbreaking. But my friend Kelly had a good point when she said that it's such a perfect and beautiful room, that Caroline would've wanted her little sister to enjoy it the way it is. I really do believe that. I still want to do a few different things as far as decorating goes. Other than that, the nursery is ready for her!

We had our 32 week growth scan this week. I can't believe I'm already 32 weeks! My Mom and Dad came to this ultrasound and it was my Dad's first time ever experiencing an ultrasound. Elise was so cooperative this time! She has obvious amount of fuzzy hair. As the technician measured her head size, you could see a halo of hair. So funny! She's estimated to weigh 4lbs 11oz at this point and has a fat little belly. Everything looks pretty good so far. She's still head down, so that a good thing. Apparently I am on the high side of the normal amount of amniotic fluid. But that's better than being on the low side. That's the good news.

The bad news is that her umbilical cord is wrapped around her neck. I'm trying not to worry, but it really bothers me. Allen was beside himself after finding out about it, I know he feels so helpless. I suppose that it's because we now know there is an actual reason why we could potentially lose her. Luckily, I'm getting the Non Stress Tests twice a week and those are able to pick up on any heart deceleration's she may have due to the nuchal cord. I also have to be very diligent and aware of her movements and doing kick counts. The Dr said that if the tests pick up on her being in distress, they'll go ahead and take her out. I feel like this cord issue could be a game changer as far as delivery and whether I may end up with a c section and when. Hopefully, because I have a high amount of fluid, she'll be able to escape from the cord. I know it happens to so many babies and everything turns out fine, so I keep trying to tell myself that. But we aren't a normal situation with normal luck when it comes to these things. There's nothing we can do about it at this time though except continue with the testing we're doing and praying hard about it all. This news makes me a lot more appreciative of everyday now that she's moving and growing in me. I'm trying my best to stay positive.

I think she is an absolutely beautiful baby. I can't wait to kiss those chubby cheeks. Her little turned up button nose and those lips make me melt! I'm so ready to snuggle with her! I think it looks like her eyes are open in the one picture. You can also see the nuchal cord in the one of her face. The other picture shows how cooped up she is in there. Her face is in the top corner and her hands and feet are all up by her head. Here she is!:

The Third Trimester

It's so surreal to think that I've made it to my third trimester now. That means I only have about 10 more weeks to go until we bring this baby into the world. It also means that my high risk testing has started. While I'm so grateful to be getting it, I'm not sure yet if it's going to put my mind at ease or cause me to constantly worry. Lots and lots on my mind these days.

This past week I went for another growth scan, which I'm doing every 4 weeks, and began doing the twice weekly non stress tests. My sister, Sarah and best friend, Kelly were in tow for this ultrasound. I thought they might enjoy seeing little Elise. Plus, in the back of my mind, I want those closest to me to get to see her now just in case something awful happens again. I know, I shouldn't think that. But it's impossible not to. Apparently this baby takes after me and likes to bury her face into something when she sleeps. For her, that thing would be my uterus. She showed us her face for a split second, just enough time to get a quick picture and then she turned and fell asleep all nestled up in there. We also saw her sticking her fingers in and out of her mouth. So cute! She's measuring 4 days ahead of schedule, weighs 2 lbs 12 oz, and is in the 57th percentile. I couldn't ask for anything better. The ultrasound tech could see that she already has a lot of fuzzy hair. I think that's so awesome, especially since babies at her age are just now starting to grow hair. Everyone seems to agree that she so far seems to look like me. I can't wait to find out! The non stress tests also went really well. The nurses said that she was responding great for her gestational age. It's nice to spend that time just laying there and concentrating on her movements and heartbeat. There is honestly no test or anything in this world right now that's more reassuring than feeling her move inside of me. So, so far everything seems spot on. As long as everything stays that way, it definitely makes us feel better.

We met with my regular OB this week too (the one that delivered Caroline). I just absolutely love that woman. She's been out on maternity leave, so I haven't seen her since August. We weren't originally scheduled to meet with her that day, so when she walked in I almost cried! She totally gets me and what I'm going through and what I have been through. It's not that I receive bad care when she's not there, I just feel as though she is invested in our situation and "gets it". She's not only concerned about my prenatal health, but my mental too. She asks how I'm sleeping. The answer was not good. I told her that I just can't turn my mind off when the lights go out. I worry about everything. I think about all the things that need to still be done and how this labor and delivery might go. I want to have blissfully naive dreams and thoughts about it; but inevitably, my mind wanders to some part of that day that I gave birth to Caroline. Every. Single. Night. Then of course once I calm myself back down I have to get up to pee and at that point I have become so hungry that I can't fall asleep until I eat something. Then the cycle repeats itself.

The good news is that the earliest week that the hospital will let me be induced (apparently they've become more conservative in the last year) is also the same week that she will be on call. I am absolutely thrilled that she will more than likely be the one to deliver this baby. That takes a tremendous load of worry off of my shoulders. Did I mention I love that woman? She is such a blessing in my life. So It's looking like baby Elise will make her grand entrance the weekend of March 3rd. It seems so real now.

In other news, and more worry for the day, I found a lump in my breast a few weeks ago. I found it almost by accident on one of those long nights. I was sent to have an ultrasound on it and was told that it was more than likely a fibroadenoma tumor caused by all of my hormones changing. This news has really had me in a funk. My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. Luckily, it was detected early and after a lumpectomy and radiation treatment she is now doing fine. But given my family history, hearing the word "tumor in your breast" while pregnant is almost enough to send anyone, me especially, over the edge. As if there isn't enough to worry about on a daily basis. So, on Wednesday I went to have a biopsy done on it to make sure it wasn't cancer. The thought of potentially having breast cancer right now, given my luck, is just so unbelievable that I feel it's almost laughable. What else is there to do? I pray about it, I honestly do. They told me I wouldn't know my results until the day after Christmas. "Merry Christmas, you have cancer" is what I imagined they would be saying to me at that appointment. But, thank God they called on Friday to say that my results came back sooner than expected and it was benign. Everything looked normal and they didn't want me to worry about it over Christmas. What a relief. My prayers were answered.

Christmas is just a few days away at this point and after everything that's happened in the last few weeks, I feel like my worries, while immense, are being lifted or at least shouldered by those who know me best: my Creator, my awesome OB and team of nurses, family and friends, and of course my wonderful Husband. I'd say that overall my third trimester is off to a good start. While I'm scared of all that could go wrong in the next 10 weeks, I'm trying to stay positive and look forward to all the good that is coming our way. I'm glad it's Christmastime and I'm able to find and experience the peace that comes with this time of year. The meaning of this season is truly what gives me the strength to go on each day; and maybe, just maybe have a few "silent nights".

Here is our Elise Arabella this week, at 28 weeks. I'm in love!:

Merry Christmas everyone!

Many updates!

We made it through October. Thank goodness. It was a long month, but we made it through Caroline's birthday and we're doing fine. Lot's has happened since my last update!

Caroline's birthday was a very somber day for us. Allen and I took it easy around the house and just reflected on the last year. We visited her grave and told her how much we loved and missed her. My family put a birthday balloon on one of her flower arrangements. I know she would've loved it and I know she was with us. I think the day was especially hard on Allen, but for me it was just as I expected it to be. I suppose I built it up in my mind in the days and months before so much, that it wasn't too bad of a day for me. I know she was watching over us and everyone that remembered her on what would've been her first birthday.

We found out on October 15th that we're having another baby girl! We are over the moon! Most importantly, she looked perfect at our 19 week anatomy ultrasound. She's measuring right on time, exactly to the day. It's such a relief knowing that everything is progressing as it should. She is really moving and kicking in there now too. I absolutely love it. We told our family at dinner the night we found out and did an online video conference with everyone else that couldn't be there for the big gender reveal. We bought green and yellow boxes and handed them out. Then when everyone opened their box, there were pink ribbons, suckers, and rattles in there. It was so special and I'm feeling so positive about the future. We got so many pictures of her and we think she's just so beautiful. I'm amazed at how much she already looks like Caroline just from the ultrasound pictures. I can't wait to meet our baby girl. We've also FINALLY decided what her name will be. We're going to name her Elise Arabella! Elise means "God's promise" and Arabella means "prayerful". We think it is a perfect name for our baby girl!

Here she is at 19 weeks!:

October...

It's been awhile since I've posted any updates here, so I figured I better get to it before I forget all the little details that I'll want to look back on.

I'm now 18 weeks and am now feeling the baby move. It's the most wonderful feeling imaginable, especially since it's all I've wanted to feel since I had Caroline. It started around 14/15 weeks; feeling like slight vibrations in my lower belly. I wasn't 100% sure that's what it was, but it was a nice thought. But towards the end of 15 weeks those vibrations were accompanied by a twitching sensation, much like a muscle or nerve twitch. At the end of 16 weeks those twitches began feeling like thumps. Now I'm certain those thumps are the baby! It isn't very consistent or in a pattern yet; but when I'm sitting still I can always count on this little one to let me know that everything's okay. It's kinda scary, because now I want to feel the baby more and I freak out just a little when I don't. Another scary thing that's happening? The dreaded Braxton Hicks contractions are back. I know they're normal and unavoidable. The problem is that I know what it feels like for them to become full blown labor contractions. For most people, I would imagine this wouldn't be an issue. But for me, it means the worst can happen. So in my twisted mind: Braxton Hicks = labor= losing my baby. But how can one blame me for feeling this way?

Along with the roller coaster of emotions happening because of the changes in my body, I'm now faced with the fact that October has come around again. I've dreaded this month since last October. I wasn't sure how I'd feel or react with Caroline's birthday looming. Honestly, it's been hard and getting harder as each day passes. I'm gearing up for a hectic few weeks coming up. October just so happens to be pregnancy and infant loss awareness month (oh the irony!). Our support group, Heartstrings, is having a Walk To Remember event on Oct. 13th; Forsyth Medical Center is having their Walk To Remember the next day on the 14th; we have our anatomy scan to hopefully find out the gender of this little one on the 15th (yay!); and then Caroline's birthday is the 20th. Whew! Allen and I will be busy physically and emotionally. I'm just glad we have each other to lean on during all of this. No one quite understands this roller coaster we're faced with like we do for each other. I hope that with most of our milestones after losing her, I'll have built it up in my mind so much so that it actually turns out to be not so bad.

In church today we had communion. I received my wafer and waited for everyone to receive theirs. But then Allen whispered in my ear, "You got two of them". I looked down, and sure enough, I'd been given two wafers. It was all that both of us could do to not break down in tears right then and there. I ate the wafers, sat back down, and felt the baby bouncing around. What a blessing and such a meaningful experience for us!

We're so lucky to have this little life given to us. It helps so much to soften the blow of the first anniversary of Caroline's birth and death. We know that October will go by quickly and we can begin to look forward to the holiday's, and then the birth of this little one will be here before we know it. We're thrilled that soon we'll hopefully have the family that we've waited so long for. Until then, I'm going to enjoy every little thump that this baby gives me everyday, because everyday isn't promised. Everyday is a gift of new life, and I cherish this new life that I've been given.

Today we had our 12 week Nuchal Translucency (NT) scan. This test checks for the probability of various birth defects, like Down Syndrome and Trisomy 13. We didn't do this test with Caroline, but this time we wanted to take advantage of every test available. Plus, it was a chance to get to see our little one again! My what a difference 6 weeks makes! My Mom came with us, and was amazed at how clear you could see everything. Baby was moving all over the place, rolling around, waving to us, and doing a little fist pumpin'. It was hard for our ultrasound tech to get the measurements she needed, but eventually she got them. The heart was beating at 157 bpm and baby is measuring 4 days ahead of schedule. I felt that since everything looked good today and I'm about to enter my 2nd trimester, I thought it was time to make it Facebook official. So the secret is out, no going back now! Today was a great day and this is starting to feel so real now. We're definitely feeling so blessed to be expecting again. I told Allen I was "walking on cloud 9" today. He reminded me that you can either be "walking on sunshine" or "on cloud 9". Hmmm, I think I can do both! ;)

It's true, it's true! We are excitedly and cautiously expecting! This is our first ultrasound photo, taken at 6 weeks 4 days. We saw a strong heart beat of 121 bpm. As I write this, I am now 9 weeks 2 days. The funny thing about this little one is it was conceived on Father's Day. Which makes it even more special. My cycles after having Caroline were typically very long. However, this was the cycle we decided to start trying and I ovulated a whopping 2 weeks early. It's unbelievable! I can't help but think that Caroline was watching over us and knew exactly how to help us. I went to her grave that weekend and asked her to help Mommy and Daddy with this. It's nothing less than a miracle in our eyes that we were able to conceive so quickly. So far, I've felt pretty good. Just generally tired and feeling like my pants are starting to get tighter. We know we have a long road ahead of us, but I know that there's only so much control that I have over this process. I think that helps to keep me calm. I'm not going to let my fears overcome my joy. After all, we know that tomorrow isn't promised for any of us. All we can do is put it in God's hands and hope for the best.

My Butterfly

I long to feel the soft weight of you

to welcome you home, with kisses

on silky round cheeks

Instead my arms ache with the

weight of your absence,

the empty places that were meant for you

to grow into.

My love for you will last an eternity.

My hopes and dreams now carried

on the fragile wings of each butterfly passing

compelling me to pause,

to savor each moment,

each flutter in my heart-

your wings.

The end of a double rainbow that I saw on St. Patrick's Day.