Sunday, October 7, 2012

October...

It's been awhile since I've posted any updates here, so I figured I better get to it before I forget all the little details that I'll want to look back on.

I'm now 18 weeks and am now feeling the baby move. It's the most wonderful feeling imaginable, especially since it's all I've wanted to feel since I had Caroline. It started around 14/15 weeks; feeling like slight vibrations in my lower belly. I wasn't 100% sure that's what it was, but it was a nice thought. But towards the end of 15 weeks those vibrations were accompanied by a twitching sensation, much like a muscle or nerve twitch. At the end of 16 weeks those twitches began feeling like thumps. Now I'm certain those thumps are the baby! It isn't very consistent or in a pattern yet; but when I'm sitting still I can always count on this little one to let me know that everything's okay. It's kinda scary, because now I want to feel the baby more and I freak out just a little when I don't. Another scary thing that's happening? The dreaded Braxton Hicks contractions are back. I know they're normal and unavoidable. The problem is that I know what it feels like for them to become full blown labor contractions. For most people, I would imagine this wouldn't be an issue. But for me, it means the worst can happen. So in my twisted mind: Braxton Hicks = labor= losing my baby. But how can one blame me for feeling this way?

Along with the roller coaster of emotions happening because of the changes in my body, I'm now faced with the fact that October has come around again. I've dreaded this month since last October. I wasn't sure how I'd feel or react with Caroline's birthday looming. Honestly, it's been hard and getting harder as each day passes. I'm gearing up for a hectic few weeks coming up. October just so happens to be pregnancy and infant loss awareness month (oh the irony!). Our support group, Heartstrings, is having a Walk To Remember event on Oct. 13th; Forsyth Medical Center is having their Walk To Remember the next day on the 14th; we have our anatomy scan to hopefully find out the gender of this little one on the 15th (yay!); and then Caroline's birthday is the 20th. Whew! Allen and I will be busy physically and emotionally. I'm just glad we have each other to lean on during all of this. No one quite understands this roller coaster we're faced with like we do for each other. I hope that with most of our milestones after losing her, I'll have built it up in my mind so much so that it actually turns out to be not so bad.

In church today we had communion. I received my wafer and waited for everyone to receive theirs. But then Allen whispered in my ear, "You got two of them". I looked down, and sure enough, I'd been given two wafers. It was all that both of us could do to not break down in tears right then and there. I ate the wafers, sat back down, and felt the baby bouncing around. What a blessing and such a meaningful experience for us!

We're so lucky to have this little life given to us. It helps so much to soften the blow of the first anniversary of Caroline's birth and death. We know that October will go by quickly and we can begin to look forward to the holiday's, and then the birth of this little one will be here before we know it. We're thrilled that soon we'll hopefully have the family that we've waited so long for. Until then, I'm going to enjoy every little thump that this baby gives me everyday, because everyday isn't promised. Everyday is a gift of new life, and I cherish this new life that I've been given.

1 comment:

  1. Diana,

    I came to read your blog after your last post in the TCOYF group. I was wondering how you were doing with Caroline's birthday drawing near. I just wanted to say how very sorry I am for your loss, and I am thinking of you as you both grieve - and celebrate! - this month.

    Sommer

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